Not Home for the Holidays

For some reason, I am that weird person who gets very excited about holidays the morning of. I woke up today, the heater was on (its 45 degrees here in AZ!), the dog was snuggling, I have on my socks my grandma gave me, a thermal shirt... what could be better than Thanksgiving celebrations today!

Except... I don't get to go home. Well... I chose not to. Because I didn't want to travel home with the holiday crowds nor pay that huge airline fee for doing so.  Also, I have a little man named Giles that cannot be brought on planes and I would feel heartless if I abandoned him on the holidays.

However, now I am second guessing my choice. I can imagine my mom getting up and preparing the food, me sitting at the table, us chatting, me snuggling Raleigh the pooch and seeing Stretch the 900 year old cat curl up on my bed (for probably the last time :( )   And I could have visted my Grandma, and seen my siblings, and laughed and drank wine. But I decided to for-go all that just because I was being selfish... oh and work happens Monday and it is a super stressful time of year at work.

Ugh.. I keep trying to make it okay in my head. I am here with the pooch and a loving boyfriend. I get to celebrate Friendsgiving and drink vino. I actually get today and tomorrow off of work unlike some people. I don't really have to cook anything except cranberry sauce..... 

I will just have to deal with a far-away Skype family visit... I hope this is as good as I hope it is as good as I want it to be...

Gender As Performance

You much check out this fabulous piece of art.

http://onswipe.com/bust/#!/entry/photographer-catalogs-transition-from-masculine-to-feminine-persona,52850f0e025312186c874373

The photographer shows just how gender is a performance. Every man, woman, trans person has the ability to ebb and flow in their choice of masculinity and femininity. For those who do not understand what gender is, it is the performance one puts on which is falsely thought of as an equivalent of "sex." 

I cannot express how much I hate when people mess up gender and sex. Especially on surveys!

Anywho, now I am just rambling. I hope that this art does justice to explaining that gender is simply a performance!

A little heart

Once upon a time, there were these adorable little Hispanic children that arrived at my work. You're not supposed to have favorites but let's be real, they were my favorites. I guess that's what I get for having favorites- a sad heart.

These little munchkins are precious - adorable - kind - well mannered - sweet -  silly - smart - huggable

Everything that you could want your own kid to be. 

I was selfish, thinking that it would be okay if they stayed in my care for forever!!! But alas, their relative was approved and my happy little ladies went on their way. They gave me hugs and didn't blink an eye about leaving and I was on the verge of tears. They will grow up and probably forget me yet I will always remember them. It's strange how children can impact your lives... I hope the best for them

Sex Trafficking- Connected to a Deeper Societal Problem

I recently attended a sex trafficiking training hosted by "Unchained" http://unchainedmovement.org

It was nicely done, and I continued to think about why the youth I work for are so vulnerable to these types of horrific events.

Men are the ones (mostly) manipulating younger females who have been taught that relationships and self-worth are based on sex, sexiness, and being taken care of by a man.

Independence is difficult to have when you are a young woman. So many times have I heard that a person is worth something becaue of their relationship to men and others:

She is a daughter.

She is a sister.

She is a wife.

She is a girlfriend.

She is a friend.

She is a mother.

How about we try saying that she is a PERSON and because she is a human being she is worth saving. I am sick of presenting to others that women are worth saving from sex trafficking or from domestic violence because of their relationships to others. Yes the relationships are important, but that is not why we are saving them. We are saving them because they are human, even if nobody loves them, even if they are not a wife, or a mother, or a friend to anyone.

When speaking about this topic, we must give autonomy back to the women. We must de-sexualize their image, de-criminalize their part of the act because they were forced into it, and refer to the women who came out of the trade as being survivors rather than victims. It is so simple to rephrase how we see people in order to give them autonomy. 

On top of that, the sexualization of girls in our culture takes away from the idea that they are humans. They  are seen as sex objects that are for the purpose of objectification and male desire. Voyeurism combined with female youthfulness is always applauded. Models get younger, actresses become sexualized much younger, it is like a feeding ground once an attractive girl turns 18- they can pose nude, they can have sex with adults, they can be coerced into making bad decisions and the one who is doing the coercing is not held responsible, they can do porn and still pose as a teen. This overt fetishism of girls is what confuses our society about understanding that girls and women are people, that they have autonomy.

I want to see all women, all girls, even survivors, even beings who have not experience trauma be given the chance to have autonomy, because... after all, we are all human, which means we all have a responsibilty to treat eachother as so.

Realizations while Returning "Home"

As I am traveling back "home" to the midwest, I have ran across some strange realizations...

I had a mini panic attack when I had to leave our dog with a friend while traveling back home. Even though he will be in safe hands I still feel incomplete. Who is going to wake me up in the morning with slobberly licks and toenails scratching my neck? I am actually going to be able to sleep in (maybe)! Now I know why my mom is such a baby about leaving her dog to come visit.... sorry mom! 

                                         My muffin snuggling on Sam's pillow

I have had my Zune for 9 years... and probably haven't updated the music in at least 2 years; however the songs are still pretty fantastic. I listened to the band Cleopatra, which was my favorite band in 1998. I was 10 years old.. and in 5th grade (I think). I can still recite the lyrics to their songs even though it has been quite some time since Amber, Nikki, Baylee and I were performing "Cleopatra Coming Atcha" for the 5th grade talent show.

Speaking of friends, it is strange to think that I live 1500 miles from some of my best friends. Jaclyn is getting married and Amber is still living in paradise, yet every time we talk it seems like we pick up just where we left off.

I also realized that I never use my personal cell phone anymore and I questioned whether I need it or not? I really dont... the only thing I am holding on to is memories and nostalgia. Let's be real, I won't ever need some of those high school or college phone numbers again... yet I still find it hard to get rid of my phone and the number I have had since like..umm... 7th grade. 

I am going back home to visit with my boyfriend's family and I am weirdly very excited about it. I am ok with splitting my time between my family and his- which I think is a good sign. My brother, who used to tell me to die and made me ride in the back of his car when he dropped me off at school, is letting us stay at his apartment and made kind of a tiff when I said that we were leaving by noon to meet up with the BF's brother. It's nice to know that maybe deep on the inside he really is happy to see me. 

It will be very different seeing my grandmother this time around because she has developed dymensia. My mother struggles to care for her and it may be quite soon that Grandma will need to have some sort of assisted living program put in place. This is weird to me because my grandma has always been "active" and involved and crafty and independent. Now she is in a place where she cannot take care of herself. I continue to want to deny it and do so by ignoring it. Which I know is completely wrong because I should talk to her every day while I still have the chance.

I have to choose wisely who I go visit when I am home because I want to see the people that truly matter. It would be very nice to visit all my old high school and college friends and reminisce but now that I get to go back for 2 days, I feel like it's only enough time to see family and one best friend. It really makes me sad being so far away, but at the same time, I love my job and my people in AZ. I don't know why it feels so far away but they really so seem like separate worlds. 

I own a house now... which means that I am worried about leaving it! But it also means that I can bring back lots of stuff that I never had room for before :D

Overall, I think this trip is just what I need to be reconnected and to remind myself that life continues to happen even when I'm not there... and maybe I need to start making more phone calls so I don't feel as disconnected.

Stories

I am so thankful for the people I work with and the munchkins I work for. They make me remember that the life I live is precious, that the life I live is worth serving those that need support

I think my favorite part of the day is when I hear a person's story. Whether it be happy, sad, upsetting, or full of silliness, I think their stories make them special. Many of the people I connect with have stories that indeed have made them very strong despite their age.

Sadly, I am no longer shocked by some of the things I hear anymore. Stories of incest, physical abuse, gang rape, growing up dealing drugs, being a prostitute to make ends meet, being forced into arranged marriages, being pimped out by your father while you watch your step-sister being molested by him, having parents know about sexual abuse and never reporting it, meeting up with 28 year old men and "dating"-becoming pregnant-and being left to raise the child as a 16 year-old single parent, trafficking, stealing and being caught, being left behind by a parent because you are too much of a burden to raise.

This is my normalcy. It makes me weep on the inside. It makes me want to make a difference in how our societies function. I want people to hear these stories, these experiences, so they don't forget how privileged they are. I want people to remember that they should be thankful their bodies haven't been violated, that they haven't had to steal to eat, that they haven't had to resort to selling drugs or their bodies to survive, that they haven't been beaten senseless by the one you thought you loved.

Sometimes people tell me their stories, and I think, wow... this person has grown miraculously despite their history... so miraculously, that you wouldn't even know there was trauma there. Grown women who have chosen careers caring for children in the foster care system when they themselves grew up in group homes.... Grown women who have experienced abuse by their parents or partners.... Grown women who were delinquents in their youth.... Grown women who were products of rape and who's father brought them back to their abusive husband time and time again. These women are fighters, and not just for themselves. These women are fighters because they keep re-traumatizing themselves by hearing the stories of our youth yet they keep advocating for them. They form that bond. A real relationships which is supportive, loving, structured, and whole-hearted. I believe their dedication is unmatched by any person out there, simply because they know what it is like to have their heart hurt.

Sometimes I think that people would see me differently if they knew the amount of trauma that I have experienced. Only one person knows all that trauma despite me. She helped me understand that I may as well be on a similar level as some of these kids. I am a person, who despite my trauma, has been able to succeed. The trauma has actually made me more dedicated, more willing, and more determined to rise above and give resources to those who our society has forgotten about or who they have deemed unredeemable. 

I can only hope that you pass along these thoughts - that you share your story in order to make others stronger. Because, after all, 

#TotallyOver the #AbortionDebate

Recently, I read a debate through comments on a Pinterest picture.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/2d839bc374bbd86268d6dfb2e941efed/tumblr_mt0poaaYYS1rql3wmo1_500.png

The debate began something along the lines of, "You can always form a family by allowing your child to be adopted like I have." Then women went along saying, "You should never need an abortion because you can always plan a pregnancy." Blah, Blah, Blah.

I feel as if these women have blinders on.

Of course, that made me upset because the reality of adoption and fostering kids is not always happy and pretty like one would wish. Human adoption, first of all, is nothing like animal adoption. I adopted my lovely Schapso, Giles, and he loves me like no other. He may have peed a little at first and tends to lick a little too often, but he is gloriously happy in his "forever home." Now, with Human Adoption, there is a lot of trauma that needs to be addressed. Like a child being removed from their home and loved ones. Like if there was any neglect that happened. You know, these are usually things that happen with adoption and foster care. Babies still feel the effects of neglect and show the signs in behavioral patterns later in life. Therapy may be needed, there may be a "honeymoon" stage with the kids and adoptive parents, they may try to run away. The only time these effects may not happen is if the child is swooped up and adopted right out of the mother's womb and has had proper prenatal care. The commenter was drawing from her very own experience, which happened to be this very (narrow-minded) idea.

Now, I wanted to bring light on the . So here was my response:

"I feel as if one very important concept was not brought up in this debate on pinterest- Privilege.

The women that are saying abortion is murder, I was able to give my child up for adoption to families who can't have children, blah blah blah... are obviously privileged. First, the debate requires internet access to log into pinterest. Second, to have a child be adopted right at birth is something that usually only happens to white babies. Third, she was probably able to easily access healthcare or might have had someone pay for it if the child is being adopted from the womb. Fourth, it sounds like someone gave her resources to set up this adoption process. 

I think we need to remember that there are many women out there that don't have this privilege, this education, that can help them plan pregnancies. Many people don't use the correct form of contraception. Many women don't understand just how much time and energy it takes to raise a child. I work with children in the foster care system. It makes me cry to see parents who don't love them and people who aren't willing to adopt them.  The majority are children of color. I have seen some women be so thankful to give their child up to the state because it was a hardship to raise them and they simply can't afford it, even with WIC or Food Stamps.

Our systems are skewed, flawed. White, religious, privileged women are fighting for pro-"life," but what happens when they are faced with the fact that these babies that they want to save aren't necessarily white. Are they going to adopt them? Are they going to be willing to send over their taxes for governmental programs like medicaid. They don't even know how much it costs to keep a kid in foster or group care and how much emotional hardship it is on the children. Are they willing to devote their lives to making the unwanted children feel wanted. To give them resources. To hear them cry at night. To hug them and know they wish it was their mother instead. To send them to a foster home and see them come back into the system because they had an "undesirable" trait. To fight for their life after birth. Because right now, I don't see that. 

I would never want any of the children I take care of to be unborn. But I think some people who make that choice of abortion are not selfish. I think they have genuinely looked at options and chosen what is best for them and what is best for our youth's futures."

Perspective: Did I bring a little to the table? I hope so, because I would like to see some of these "pro-lifer's" work towards glamorizing some of these children's lives like how they think "adoption really works." HAHAHAHA! These anti-abortion people are so mis-informed on how adoption and after-birth care really works. Do these children just automatically get placed in loving homes? NOPE. Many live in group homes, some get placed in abusive foster placements. Super cool! SO maybe if the conservatives took time to educate themselves how the actual processes and systems worked, they would have a more understanding viewpoint on why some people choose not to have a child they can't take care of. 

By the way, I have 300+ children that could use a home right now if you'd like to step up and care for them after they are no longer fetuses.